


My Days Are Numbered (and You Can't Seem to Count)

by daimler



Series: In This Place, Always [1]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bisexual Lee Daehwi, Character Study, Daehwi goes by his American name here, David Lee - Freeform, F/M, Gen, Gratuitous use of numbers, I gave Daehwi a little brother, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad, Samuel and Daehwi are aged up to be around the same age as the others, Sex scene with no graphic content, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 05:24:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12336336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daimler/pseuds/daimler
Summary: He’s five years, three months and twelve days old when he first falls in love and his name is still Daehwi.





	My Days Are Numbered (and You Can't Seem to Count)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for all those who have read my stories and shown your support in my writing. I'm not very good, but I have gotten back into liking writing again thanks in no small part to that encouragement.

He’s five years, three months and twelve days old when he first falls in love and his name is still Daehwi. The world is big and scary and he has to leave the comfort of his family home for the first time. At the school, he has a kindergarten teacher named Mr. Francisco who is tall, handsome, and has tanned skin and raven black hair. His teacher smiles at the young Daehwi as the elder’s hair falls over his chocolate eyes and it instantly has Daehwi smitten.

The pudgy lady that brings Daehwi to class calls him David; but Mr. Francisco pronounces his Korean name perfectly, makes sure the youngest has a good seat, and gives him the new construction paper to draw on. The kindergarten teacher gives Daehwi the most perfect smile when speaking to Daehwi and makes sure that he goes slowly enough for the younger male to understand.

Daehwi has been in the United States for exactly six months, eighteen days and, since he’s started, everything has been easier thanks to the caring teacher. When Daehwi goes home, he tells his little brother not to worry about entering school in the upcoming year; that everything would be fine. His brother scrunches his face in confusion and looks up at Daehwi with a frown, asking him to repeat that again, please, in Korean.

\---

The second time he falls in love, he is thirteen years, one month and twenty nine days old. He’s dropped Daehwi and has gone by David for the past six years; has gotten used to his life in the states. Now he’s dating a girl in his class named Jessica and when he leans down to give her a kiss one day on the swings in the park down the street from the school, he swears he sees fireworks.

It’s summer and the moon shines silver on the sand beneath them as she sloppily sticks her tongue into his mouth. It feels weird and too wet and not firm, but there’s a little stirring in his stomach and he smiles afterwards and waits for her to turn away before wiping the spit off of his mouth. She holds his hand as he walks her back to her front porch, smiling shyly down at the ground, and his brother gives him a knowing smile when he gets home and leans against the door, sighing.

He ruffles his little brother’s head and thanks him for not telling their mother about sneaking out and moves to get ready for bed. After changing, he lays his head on his pillow and plays with the hem of his oversized shirt, twisting and pulling the fraying edges and thinks that, maybe, he loves her, even though he’s young.

They break up when school starts for no reason other than they’ve lost interest and need to move on. David cries for six hours, twenty three minutes and goes back the next day for second day of instruction. He’s not even jealous when he sees Jay from his Algebra class flirting with Jessica. He gives the other boy a nod of encouragement when the other looks at him worriedly for approval and decides it was for the best.

When he returns home after choir practice, his mother strokes his hair and tells him that it’s better this way. “I’d rather you date a nice Korean girl anyway, Daehwi,” she says in Korean, grabbing his chin gently, “You’ll find a good Korean girl in a couple years.”

\---

David moves back to Seoul with his family when he turns sixteen. They arrive in early February, thirteen days, forty seven minutes after his birthday and David laments that he has never been anyplace so humid and hot in his life. The rain falls down like hail and he’s gone through four umbrellas in the first nine days they’ve been there. It takes him another nineteen days, fifty six minutes transitioning back to pure Korean and no English, but he’s still confused and has to ask the old ahjussi next door to speak slowly. He barrels on and tries hard to rid himself of his American accent, but the ahjummas at the street food vendors still stare at him when he orders his after school snacks. They pour water over his ddeokbokki to make it less spicy (even if he asks them not to) and bring him an extra glass of water to cool his burning tongue. Even if David looked Korean, spoke Korean and asked for the Korean food in his perfectly-accented Seoul-Korean dialect, Koreans could tell that he was a foreigner. And, as much as he hates it, he is a foreigner. He has spent too long in Los Angeles and the palm trees and sea breezes with American sun radiating from his skin and the people of Seoul sense it. They treat him like a visiting tourist as he stands out easily and they pick him out when he walks by, fascinated by the contrast of the Korean face and American attitude. David works harder to become Korean again; to react when he’s called by Daehwi.

He starts school again one month, six days later and the girl sitting next to him has a round and flat face and scowls when she calls him 양키. The fast slurring words of the teacher confuses him as he tries his best to keep up. It’s different from kindergarten and there is no Mr. Francisco to guide him. When he stays after class and asks if he can have some extra help, the instructor just waves him off, telling him he should just pay more attention and be a more diligent learner. His classmates try to speak to him in badly accented English and he does his best to reply only in Korean. He needs to prove to them that he is Korean, not American. He needs to prove it to them so that he can prove it to himself. He throws himself in his studies and shuts himself into his room learning proverbs, literature, and the names of the pop stars that shine brightly on the television he has playing behind him on mute. He eats solely Korean food and makes sure it’s extra spicy. It makes his nose run and his eyes water, but he adds another dash of pepper into his jjampong and refuses the water his mother offers him.

While Daehwi can hardly remember being in Korea in the first place, his brother has no trouble getting back into the Korean life. His brother’s tongue slips back into native intonations and the family magnae’s mannerisms click into place like someone who has lived in Seoul all his life. But his brother has always been more versatile, more adaptable. His brother doesn’t get the same types of looks Daehwi does and the ahjummas always gives the youngest an extra bowl of rice whenever they come by. His little brother’s tongue is more receptive to the odd spiciness of kimchi and the strange tang of 보리차, and Daehwi can’t help but feel jealous.

 

\---

Daehwi meets Seongwoo at his summer university prep classes when he is eighteen years, eleven months, and two days old. Seongwoo’s hair is like an idol singer and his face looks like it was carved from the heavens with a hint of a boyish charm. He throws Daehwi a blinding smile and Daehwi blinks owlishly and gives a shy one in return. After weeks of hanging out and getting together for not-date-study-dates, the elder asks Daehwi to see the newest drama with him and they skip lessons one Thursday afternoon to go see it.

It’s been two years and the people around Daehwi don’t stare at him as often as they used to. When they do, it is more often due to the long hair brushed to the side, half covering his face or his wide eyes when he tries to keep up with all the Korean spoken around him. He’s suffered long to shed his American skin and learned to step back and hide himself when he has doubts about how to react to a situation. He tells Seongwoo that he has lived in Seoul all his life, and the elder believes him. After the movie, Seongwoo takes hold of Daehwi’s hand as they walk away from the theatre and Daehwi feels the same uneasiness in his stomach as when Jessica kissed him that summer at the park. Daehwi laces his fingers with Seongwoo’s and the younger smiles at the elder when he asks Daehwi if he wants to get something to eat afterwards. Daehwi remembers the scene in the movie where the rich bad boy falls for the sweet and lively girl from a poor family and Daehwi moves closer to lean his head on Seongwoo’s steady shoulder and agrees.

 

\---

He and Seongwoo are together for three months, eleven days. They meet up every weekend after English language class and go shopping or get a bite to eat. David now lets himself eat food that is less spicy but still drinks 보리차 with every meal. The day before they go back to school, Seongwoo buys him a necklace and a diamond seashell charm to go with it.

“I know it’s really fast, but 사랑해, Hwi-ah,” Seongwoo says to him and makes Daehwi promise to wear the necklace always. Instead of answering, Daehwi kisses him in response and puts the necklace on. He has tears in his eyes and his stomach flips over and over. When his breath runs out, Daehwi pulls back from the kiss and buries his face into Seongwoo’s chest but can’t bring himself to say the words back.

The necklace stays around his neck faithfully, like he promised, and he loves Seongwoo as much as he knows how. Daehwi calls the elder at least once every night, texts him during his breaks between class, meets him every night after school, buys him presents, visits him at his part-time job, brings him snacks during mutual breaks, and lets him pay for meals when they go out on the weekends. It takes all of Daehwi’s time and effort and he can barely do anything else other than be with Seongwoo or do his schoolwork, but to Daehwi, that becomes his definition of love. It’s what’s expected of him to do for his boyfriend and he does it with a bright smile on his face. Seongwoo calls him 머랑둥이, takes the younger to cafes and buys him chocolate parfait’s to talk over coffee, sings ballads to Daehwi on one knee when they go to the karaoke bar, picks him up from his house to take him to class when it’s a particularly rainy day, and grabs Daehwi and kisses him hard on the mouth in the smaller alleys where no one can see when he walks the younger home from his night classes. 

 

\---

Nine months, twenty four days into their relationship, Seongwoo takes Daehwi to a motel. The bellhop gives them a knowing look as Seongwoo takes the key from the front desk girl who barely gives them a second glance. Daehwi sees the elder take the key to room 13 and wills the red in his cheeks to go away as he clutches the elder’s hand and pushes his face into the elder’s shoulder. He’s incredibly nervous and the beating in his chest is so loud that he can barely breathe, but Daehwi stills his quivering breath and reminds himself that he loves Seongwoo and follows the elder down the hall.

The bed is hard against his naked back and it’s uncomfortable when Seongwoo gets above him. Daehwi can feel the elder’s breath on his bare shoulder and his body starts shaking from anticipation. Seongwoo is gentle and slow and asks him every couple minutes if he’s okay and if they should keep going. Daehwi tells Seongwoo that everything is ok but he holds in his cries and masks the hurts with searing kisses and clenched jaw. He stands in the shower when it’s over, turning the water as hot as it gets so that it burns his skin as he stands and watches the blood circle the drain. He stifles his cries as he lathers up his hand for the sixth time and stays in the shower until all the hot water is gone. Seongwoo is asleep by the time Daehwi is done, sprawled out and snoring softly under the covers. Standing in the darkened hotel room, he stares at the elder’s pale skin and sharp muscles and tries to feel the quickening of his heart or the flip-flop of anticipation in his stomach. After a few moments of quiet, save for the quiet snores of Seongwoo, Daehwi takes off the seashell necklace and places it on the bedside table before he leaves.

 

\---

David ignores all forms of contact and misses the next week of classes, and by Sunday, he’s on a plane to New York City. He leaves a brief message to his family with a vague explanation of where he’s going as he waits in line to board his flight. As he gets to his seat and settles in for the long plane ride, he steals a glance at his phone and sees fifty seven missed calls and twice as many text messages, all from Seongwoo. He feels a flash of guilt settle in his stomach and he pushes down the urge to vomit and wills himself to fall asleep until he lands.

When he finally does land, he serendipitously discovers that his Korean phone doesn’t work in the states. He enrolls into New York School for the Arts and meets his new roommate Samuel Kim, also from Los Angeles. Samuel is tall and masculine and has a slight feeling of Seoul in his smile. David discovers that Samuel is half-Korean and had been living in Korea when he was younger but had moved back and forth to the states because of his parents. He had tried to become an idol when he was younger, but when that didn’t pan out, he moved back to attend school in the states. He finds out that he’s a year older than Samuel and the latter smiles and calls him hyung when he takes David’s hand in introduction. David introduces himself by his English name. He’s sick and tired of being Daehwi.

They eat breakfast and dinner together every day and sit together during History of Modern Theatre class. Samuel helps David get used to starting a semester late and speaks to him in a mixture of English and Korean. They link arms as they walk along the city streets, eating Pinkberry and making plans to visit Central Park, the Met, and all the places they’ve seen on TV. They go to Coney Island on a Wednesday afternoon and take pictures on the beach, holding hands tight when they ride the Ferris wheel up to the top. They gorge themselves on funnel cake and cotton candy and give each other sugar covered smiles, giggling as they run to the bus stop to catch a ride back to the dorms. Samuel becomes David’s closest friend and he tells him of summer nights and of Seoul and even of Seongwoo, and Samuel holds the elder’s hand and strokes his hair as the tears David’s been holding in finally fall, the elder burying his face into the younger’s chest.

“Muel-ah,” he says in the darkness of their dorm room one night. “Do you miss Korea?”

“몰라...좀. My girlfriend is from there and she’s coming to visit soon.”

David hums a reply and turns over to get some rest. It’s eighteen minutes past midnight and he has class at nine, but he turns restlessly for an hour and thirty seven minutes before his eyes droop closed and he feels himself falling into a fitful sleep.

 

\---

Samuel’s girlfriend visits over spring break. Her name is Siyeon and she has a gummy smile and reeks of cigarettes and Korea. David has nowhere to go as it’s too short a time to visit his family back in Seoul, so he stays in the dorm with the other two. Siyeon is petite and feminine and her features are soft as she explains her life as a trainee for an idol company. David finds out that Samuel and she were trainees together and she tells David stories of Samuel’s time training. She shares the bed with Samuel and snores at night, and David finds himself tossing and turning while the other two sleep. Samuel holds his girlfriend’s hand instead of David’s and, when she’s tired, Samuel lets Siyeon rest her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder instead of David. 

David misses his brother and his parents and the old ahjussi that lives next door. Though he can’t really recall a place where he felt most at home. It’s not here, at least not right now, and David feels the walls around him closing in. The dorm room he shares with Samuel seems five times smaller now that there are three of them there. David hates himself and the way he feels, but he can’t find the word in English to describe how he feels. It’s just 답답해.

 

\---

David hears Samuel and Siyeon kissing one night when they think he’s asleep and all he can do is pull the covers over his head and try not to listen. He hears Samuel whispering something and shifts around his bed a bit hoping they would realize he’s still awake. He hears Siyeon giggle and more kissing happening and he presses his hands over his ears and wills his body to just fall asleep. His insides get hotter and something like anger and pain and embarrassment wash over him and something else that he can’t put a finger on. Before he realizes what he’s doing, David is pushing his covers off of him and jumps out of his bed. He’s found his sandals and grabs a jacket before he is blindly racing out the door. He runs down the four flights of stairs to the lobby before he can register the couple’s reaction and he doesn’t stick around to see if Samuel will come after him.

He spends the rest of the night on a bench just outside the dorm, shivering in just his jacket in the cool New York spring air. He swallows thickly and tries to rid himself of that sticky feeling like he wants to cry. He tells himself that he’s only shaking from the cold as he pulls the jacket tighter around himself.

\---

It’s six in the morning when he checks his watch and he untangles his legs from under him. They tingle from staying curled up in the cold for so long and his eyes remain dry as he trudges back into the lobby. The security guard at the front desk gives him a concerned look but he gives the guard a smile and continues on to the staircase.

All David wants to do is sleep, and he’s glad when he returns to his shared room and Siyeon is snoring. He removes his jacket and slippers, not bothering to look at where they land, and climbs into bed. The snoring keeps him awake for another forty two minutes before he passes out.

He wakes up five hours and seven minutes later, missing his first two classes, and both Samuel and Siyeon are gone.

 

\---

David spends the rest of the day at the coffee house where he and Samuel used to go and does the homework he was assigned in the classes he’s missed. David is curled up in the sofa he and Samuel used to do homework on together when it nears dinnertime and Samuel still hasn’t called him. David pretends he doesn’t notice and keeps doing his homework until his stomach growls. Instead of walking back to the dorms, David walks down the street to eat at the Korean restaurant on the corner. He orders his dinner in Korean and chokes it down as soon as they lay it on the table. The soup he orders is piping hot and it burns his throat, but he continues to eat anyway. His mind keeps going back to Samuel and his small face and chiseled jaw and childish laugh and how the younger male must look with his body towering over his girlfriend’s: cheeks flushed and eyes glassy. David chokes down another spoonful of soup and pretends the red in his cheeks and the tears streaming down his face are from the spiciness of the soup.

 

\---

Samuel is sitting on David’s bed when David comes back to the dorm. Siyeon isn’t there.

“She went to the store for some cigarettes,” Samuel whispers as David puts his stuff down, eyes not meeting Samuel, “Davey, Daehwi-hyung. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

 

David moves and sits at his desk, his back facing Samuel. His body turns hot again and that whole conglomeration of feelings that he doesn’t know how to sort through or even where to begin if he were to surrounds him again.

“Samuel, I-” he starts. His stomach turns and the soup he ate for dinner feels like it’s heating up again and he’s not sure if he should talk or not talk. “I don’t know.”

“David-hyung,” Samuel whispers again. “Hwi-ah.”

David’s stomach lurches at the name. Before he can stop himself he feels herself push back the chair and strides across the room to where Samuel is sitting on his bed. The chair clatters on the floor and David finds himself placing his hands on Samuel’s cheeks. The half-Korean’s features are sharp and handsome, but they feel soft and round underneath the tips of David’s fingers.

When David realizes what he’s doing, he pulls back his palms as if burned and stumbles away from a shocked Samuel. There’s a ringing in David’s ears and he barely registers the confusion on Samuel’s face. All David registers is the burning in his cheeks, the saliva drying in his mouth and the awful churning that hitches in his stomach. He feels everything is wrong and unnatural and disgusting and he can’t remember what compelled him to do it in the first place.

“Kim Samuel,” David feels himself whisper, “I hate you so much.”

Samuel’s face is blurry behind the tears welling up in David’s eyes and when Samuel rushes over to wrap his muscled arms around David’s shoulders, David pushes himself away and starts to cry.

“Hyung, Daehwi-hyung, I’m so sorry, Hwi-hyung, I’m sorry, it’s ok.” Samuel tries again and moves slowly towards the older boy. When the elder doesn’t immediately push the younger away, Samuel wraps his arms around David’s waist and rocks the elder side to side as David cries, stroking the hair off of the older boy’s face. David cries, pushing his fist into his mouth to silence the screams threatening to come out, until it’s only hiccups and wipes his eyes on a tissue that Samuel hands him, the younger not letting the elder go.

“I don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry, hyung,” Samuel whispers, arms not leaving the elder.

David blows his nose and shakes his head. “No,” he feels himself say, “It’s ok, I’ll be ok.”

David ignores the pang of guilt in his stomach and looks up at Samuel, the latter’s eyes filled with concern. David’s eyes feel dry and he just wants to sleep again. “You should go find Siyeon-ie. She’s been gone a while.”

Samuel nods reluctantly and David pushes the younger gently away. David gets up and turns from Samuel, sitting back down at his desk. The room is silent for a second before David hears the younger man shuffle around. He listens to the rustling of Samuel putting on his coat and, after a moment’s hesitation, the knock of the door closing in its frame.

David lets out a breath, picks up the comb on his desk shakily, and begins to comb out the tangles that have formed in his hair. He listlessly looks at his reflection in the mirror on the small vanity mirror on his desk and the figure in the glass stares back at him.

Daehwi is nineteen years, eight months and seven days old.

**Author's Note:**

> Was writing this while listining to Always (이 자리에) on repeat.
> 
> I don't know why I want ambiguous/open endings all the time haha. I've actually started a part 2 for this from Samuel's POV, so hopefully that should nullify the open ending from this story. Stay tuned!


End file.
